26.05.2023 I will be M

I cannot reverse what I feel. This makes my life more complicated. But it also makes it mine. And that is what matters to me. I will feel discomfort, I will feel pain, I will feel confused, I will feel wrong, abnormal, subaltern. But I aim to feel all of these emotions as me. As M. And that will be my life. I long, deeply, furiously, passionately, exhaustedly, humanly, to be me. And since for me that (also) means refuting the (current) regime of gender and sexual difference, the results of that longing will be bittersweet. And that’s worth it. Ultimately life has no meaning, but I cannot always feel that. And I don’t want to. I want my life to be a beautiful, chaotic insurrection against the meaningless of it all, and also against those forces which seek to tell me what it should mean. None have any jurisdiction or right to tell me what is and isn’t meaningful to me. I want to flourish as the human creature I am, not the one I should be. I will be me. I will be M.